Come Rescue Me

I’m having a hard morning.

The words to an old worship song are running through my head today, stirring bittersweet thoughts:

I cry out
for Your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak
and I need your love to free me
O Lord
My Rock
My strength in weakness
Come rescue me, O Lord

I’m trying so hard to be okay. But I’m just not there today.

I’m tired. Exhausted really. I haven’t slept in 3 nights again. And I can deal with the nights when there’s a dream, or something going on, because at least then I have a reason for my exhaustion the next morning. But nights like last night, where I wake over and over again, when I know I’ve been dreaming, but nothing remains, and I’m unsettled, fearful, on edge, those nights are just a little bit hard to take. And there’s been a lot of those nights lately.

I miss the days when I could see a big picture. I’ve always been a big picture kind of girl. I love the details, but only when I can see the picture they form. These days I feel a bit like I’m drowning in fragments or puzzle pieces. Hundreds of them poking and niggling at me, needing to be acknowledged, but refusing to fall into any sort of orderly picture.

Most days, I’m coping pretty well. Most days I can manage to have deep joy in the midst of the confusion. But every once in a while (and today is one of those days) I have a day where everything inside me collapses. Where I want nothing so much as to sob my eyes out, and then head back to bed for the next eight hours (sometimes I sleep more restfully during the day than I do at night.) Where all the things left undone, all the places and relationships that still need healing begin to overwhelm the many places of my life, the many relationship and things that have already been healed. Where I feel incompetent, childish, and unclean. Where I wish for a hug and someone to hold me while I cry, and assure me that I’m still okay. And where my heart begins crying out for mercy and healing. For rescue.

And I cling to the rest of the words to the song…

You are my hope.
And Your promise never fails me.
And my desire is to follow You forever.

For You are good. For you are good.
For You are good to me.