Non-Avoidance

I've been re-realizing these last few days, just how skilled at avoidance I really am.

Thankfully, in the midst of some of the worst avoidance I've entertained in a long while, a dear friend was with me, and pushing gently, and sometimes a bit less so for me to begin to face and deal with some stuff, and begin to heal again. I'm incredibly thankful for the several late nights she spent talking with me, in the midst of a weekend that I know wasn't easy for her either.

The truth is, I made a series of less than healthy decisions, and, over the weekend, hit a low point that was quite stunning. I haven't been that close to walking away from God, life and relationships since the last few months before my depression was healed, nearly 3 years ago now. And because of the bad choices, I began again to entertain lies in my life, and they grew until they overwhelmed and became my "truth".

It's likely going to take a while to pull out of that and be healthy again.

I've committed to non-avoidance, and am taking a number of steps to ensure that my usual avoidance techniques are not options.

And yet, I realized again tonight, while grocery shopping with my roommates, how easy it is to attempt to satisfy the hungry and aching places in my soul. Things that I would never normally buy - candy, comfort foods and so forth - were stunningly appealing, and I had to conciously remind myself of some of the decisions I've made and guidelines I've put in place for this next while.

I'm good at avoiding, but I'm hoping for better things. I'm longing for healing. Even though I know it means non-avoidance, and even though I know that for a while at least, non-avoidance is likely to be messy, hurtful, and somewhat miserable.

Two phrases stand out from the weekend. One a question posed by Jesus, another a reminder from a scripture my friend sent me. The first "Do you want to be well?" and the second "Today I have given you the choice between life and death..."

I want to be well.

I choose life.

(I think I'm going to have to repeat those things ad infinitum in a quest to begin to live them, but oh, does my heart long for them to be realized within me.)