Not the right words...

I have a million and one words, but can't seem to find the ones I want for the important things. There are people I'd like to write to, but there aren't words for that either. Things I want to say. Things that hurt. Things that would probably make others hurt too. I don't want anyone else to hurt - not on my behalf, not on their own. So I don't have the right words.

An anonymous commenter left a note on a blog post a friend of mine recently wrote, "I feel as though I'm going through a 'dark night of the soul'." I'm not going through that, though I have in the past and am sure I will again. But this anonymous soul's words grabbed at me - the loneliness, the fear, the despair. I know those things well. I feel a few of them, in a different sort of way right now.

I'm asking a lot of questions about God and life and faith and community and church and relationships and mission. I'm taking a lot of comfort in talking to a few friends who are asking similar questions. I'm taking a lot of comfort in reading authors who have asked similar questions. I'm mostly interested in the ones who propose answers that involve brokenness instead of wholeness. Because I don't have a whole lot of wholeness to offer these days.

I was looking at a couple of old blog posts today... Came across two more quotes that struck me...

This one from Shane Claiborne:
"The gospel is good news for sick people and is disturbing for those who think they've got it all together. Some of us have been told our whole lives that we are wretched, but the gospel reminds us that we are beautiful. Others of us have been told our whole lives that we are beautiful, but the gospel reminds us that we are also wretched. The church is a place where we can stand up and say we are wretched, and everyone will nod and agree and remind us that we are also beautiful.

...Community can be built around a common self-righteousness or around a common brokenness. Both are magnetic. People are drawn toward folks who have it all together, or who look like they do. People are also drawn toward folks who know they don't have it all together and are not willing to fake it.

Christianity can be build around isolating ourselves from evildoers and sinners, creating a community of religious piety and moral purity. That's the Christianity I grew up with. Christianity can also be built around joining with the broken sinners and evildoers of our world crying out to God, groaning for grace. That's the Christianity I have fallen in love with."

And this poem by Leonard Cohen, because today, as I've been searching for words, I've felt like one of the fakes. I am one of the fakes, and this is my story.

Thousands
Out of the thousands
who are known
or who want to be known
as poets,
maybe one or two
are genuine
and the rest are fakes,
hanging around the sacred precincts
trying to look like the real thing.
Needless to say
I am one of the fakes,
and this is my story.