Shut down

I feel somewhat shut down emotionally right now, and at the same time intensely aware. Does that make any sense at all?

The emotional stuff that I don't quite know how to handle is taking it's usual toll on my body. The muscles along my spine have tightened into painful knots, and my neck is perpetually stiff and sore. Add a bad bout of spring allergies to the mix and you've got all the makings of a good week.

I need to find some people to talk some of this out with sometime soon... The church stuff, the family stuff again. Trouble is that at the moment almost all of the people I would immediately pinpoint as people who could listen actively - that is, help me hear the parts of God and myself that I really need to hear in the midst of all of this - all of those people are on other continents or in other cities just presently! So I'll either be having some longish phone conversations in the coming days, writing epic length emails, or finding some new friends!

I came across a piece of writing I did on Christmas Eve last year this morning. I posted it on my blog then, and it rings so very true now. The time of transition has arrived, and like any great transition, I have absolutely no idea how it's going to play out.

I really am okay. I have this trust in Jesus right now that shocks me. I have this understanding of the deep level of healing he has brought in the past, and the hope that it too will come again soon.

Doing lots of praying these days. Lots of talking, and lots of listening too. Lots of waiting. (I'm not very good at waiting.) But I trust, and while that surprises me every time I pause and think about it, I think that it's a very good thing.