Leaking

It was one of those days. I was looking at the post I put up last night. The postcard from PostSecret, and feeling again how strong my internal reaction to that picture is. To the tears, and the words "I miss ignorance."

I had breakfast with Kari this morning. Somewhere along the way, Kari has become a very dear friend, and one with whom it is very easy to be honest and uncensored about the things going on in my life. I knew it was going to be one of those days when all she had to do was ask me how things were going, and I teared up. My emotions leaked right on down my face - it still surprises me when this happens. So I filled her in, swiping sureptisiously at the tears rolling down my face. The waitress came, of course, at the most inopportune of moments, just as the tears were beginning to take my order.

So we ate and talked, and somehow I went away encouraged. I still felt leaky as I sat in the mall for a bit before my shift and read. In fact, I even told some of my coworkers that if anyone yelled at me today I WOULD cry. (I've had a spate of nasty clients this last week - at least one a shift, badly dissatisfied with something or other, usually with nothing that had anything to do with me, and with a need to take out their pent up hostilities on the closest gift registry employee, which has just happened to be me this week.) Thankfully, today was a relatively calm day in the world of gift registry. By that I mean that we didn't have any yelling clients, not that we had any shortage of work.

I was discouraged, and I remain tired. But little things helped today.

As I walked to the train I couldn't help but think that the way I've been feeling lately is a lot like the way I felt during the majority of my five years of depression. But, some careful quick analysis revealed that I am not in fact depressed. I'm excited about life, I believe God is doing some really cool things in my life again, and the things I've been feeling have more to do with some spiritual attack, and the very real pain of walking through difficulty in the belief that God has great reward on the other side.

I read a really fun novel. It was called "Reconstructing Natalie." Nothing too profound. Very girly, quite predictable. A "Christian" novel about a young woman who is diagnosed with breast cancer. But quirky and offbeat and funny in its own way. It made me smile.

Talking with Kari, and snagging a couple of hugs from her helped. A chance to get some of the struggles off my chest. To catch up on what she and her husband are up to. Can I just say that I'm really going to miss them when they move in October?

Chocolate helped. A lot. (it's a natural anti-depressant you know! just in case you actually needed an excuse to consume it!)

And later, at work, some old hymns came to mind, and a few worship songs. So I hummed and whistled (in what I'm sure was a decidedly off key sort of tune) through the first verses (because I can never seem to remember the words to more than the first verse and the chorus) of "How Great Thou Art," "It is Well With My Soul," "Be Thou my Vision," "Amazing Grace," and a few others. Something about musing on the classic songs of the faith, with their deeply meaningful lyrics while boxing up china really served to lift my spirit and change my focus.

So, it was one of those days. In both the good and bad and altogether not completely sure what that was kind of ways.