I am Lisa

A couple days ago, I put this sentence in the middle of a post here, “I'm learning that I am Lisa.” It seems kind of funny to be learning this now, 22 years after I started “being” Lisa. But I am. I have spent years with my identity defined by whose child I was, whose friend I was, what I did, what I read, what I was studying, and what people thought of me. I am learning that these things count a whole lot less than I thought that they did, and in light of that, I have a short list of intentions/resolutions/things to try for the new year. I’ll do other things, I just don’t like to plan too much ahead! If I don’t list it, I don’t have to feel guilty if it doesn’t quite get accomplished!

In 2006, I will wear my hair curly more often. I like it when it’s curly. Plus, wearing it curly forces me to spend time caring for myself – curly hair requires a wash, styling product – some work. I think I need to spend a bit more time taking care of myself – even little things like taking vitamins to stave off the illness that always results when I’m overtired and stressed.

In 2006, I will read more books that challenge me and less books that don’t. I will read about subjects like women in the church (thanks for the list Sheri), charismatic theology (if I can find some good ones…), spiritual autobiographies, the Moravian movement, and philosophy. But I will also treat myself to novels – because even the brain needs candy once in a while.

In 2006, I will be intentional about hanging out with people who challenge me – especially emotionally and spiritually. I already kind of do this (to the crew – you guys are awesome – let’s hang out lots more), but I want to do it even more intentionally and frequently.

In 2006, I will stand with open hands. My life is in the hands of God, and I want so desperately to leave it there – to break the habit of seizing control when things get painful, stressful, scary.

I have been learning this week what it means to be a child of my “Abba.” I’m only beginning to learn, but this is my biggest hope for the new year. I want to learn to rest in the arms of my “Abba.” I want to meet the God who is not authoritarian and harsh, but the one who loves me right where I am. I want to separate my relationship with my dad from my relationship with God, because my relationship with my dad is not all that healthy at the moment, and I want my relationship with God to be something that is growing and vibrant and healthy.

Jesus, teach me what it means to rest in your loving arms. To know your presence and your peace. I am Yours. And that amazes me. Thank you for showing up in my life. I stand in amazement of the things you are doing. It boggles my mind most days. Abba, I am yours.