Re-evaluating - Again

I feel sometimes like the last two years have been a time of continual reevaluation. As the depression that has been so much a part of those years has ebbed and flowed, so have the questions, my personal satisfaction, my ability to understand who I am and see that as part of a larger context.

This week the depression is strong, and I have spent most of my hours bombarded by questions that don't seem to have answers and by questions I thought I had answered long ago. I find myself exhausted (sleep has once again become an illusory concept) and angry.

I have wondered again this week if it's worth it - this current method of pursuing God that I have chosen. I read a book this week (one I highly reccommend - Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner) that described a lifestyle of study and liturgy that I could easily fall in love with. Winner is currently completing her doctorate in the history of American religion from Columbia University. She also did her bachelor's degree at Columbia, and spaced the bachelor's and doctoral degrees out with a master's degree from Cambridge in England.

At some point during her college experience, Winner converted from Orthodox Judaism to Christianity, and while she was in England, was baptised into the Anglican church.

I read her book, and wished for her bankroll - I have pursued a history degree, focusing primarily on the Protestant Reformation in Europe for the last four years. At Christmas, I will graduate, not only broke, but $11000 in debt. I would love to pursue a master's in this, but know that I do not want to spend my life as a university lecturer. Studying further is simply not an option. But, the cerebral, academic life, ensconced in books and stimulating discussion is greatly appealing to me.

The liturgy of churches like the Anglican church is appealing as well. I find so much beauty and meaning in the rituals that have lasted for hundreds of years. Something comforting in knowing that the order of service has not been greatly altered since the Elizabethan era. Something sustaining in all that history - the good and bad, but the unending nature of it.

I have spent the last two years pursuing a more "charismatic" understanding of relationship with God - one as far from the deliberately liturgical as possible most weeks, and I find it exhausting. I don't quite fit in this circle - I am far too cerebral, far too interested in thinking deeply. I tire easily of the rhetoric that seems to say that this is the only "true" way of expressing the church of the New Testament. I feel caught between my conservative family members who don't quite agree with this pursuit of mine, and the friends who keep promising that God has something "more" for me if I just keep going.

I have met God there, and I know with certainty that my "charismatic" friends meet and hear from Him on a regular basis. But, I feel as if I am still slogging through muck. I have watched with great interest the beginnings of an "urban monasticism" but have not felt that this is the life for me either. I hestitate to mention this, but my experience in watching these "urban monks" (some of whom are dear friends) is that there is an intense emphasis on prayer (something that certainly holds true to the medieval models they emulate) but very little emphasis on learning (something completely untrue - it is because of the monastic committment to learning that we have many of the great works of religion and philosophy available for modern consumption.)

I feel stifled intellectually at times. I cannot deny the importance of "experiencing God" but I wonder why it takes such great precedence. Surely, God gave me a mind and a love for learning for a reason. Is it not possible to incorporate both? My beef is this (and I admit it is a beef greatly colored by my current state of depression and frustration) - why are so few people interested in understanding anything beyond the experience?

I could fill pages with the knowledge of history that has greatly enhanced my relationship with God and his world. I could give you fascinating information about Count von Zinzendorf and the Moravian movement - one of the areas I've studied and researched extensively over the last year. I could tell you about a wide variety of religious movements, each one designed to correct some fault in a previous movement, and I could point out that each of these movements is eventually replaced by someone who thinks that they, too, are wrong, and that this pattern has continued into the present day. But few are interested. Most want only to have that "crazy charismatic" encounter with God, not to really know about him, to realize that what he is doing in the world today owes so much to what he has done in the past.

Meh. I'm done. I'm sure some of you have responses. Please know that my intention is not to criticize. My intention is simply to blow off some of the questions floating through my muddled brain. I have a very fond relationship with all of the things that I have chosen to comment on here. But, I still find myself asking questions about them, wondering if they could not be made bettter. Perhaps, I am the opposite of a forward-looking visionary type. My understanding of God will always be rooted in the history that I have studied so intently - not living in the past, but greatly influenced by the myriad of wonderful traditions that can be found there.

With all that said, I'm off to buy cookies. I need sugar to sustain me through three hours of lecutring on "Abnormal Psychology" for the evening!