A decision made

Yesterday and today didn't go quite the way I planned, but they were beautiful in their own way. My desk is still a disaster zone - something I'm hoping to fix tomorrow after work. I didn't end up verbally speaking the things on my heart, but I wrote them, and I have officially entered a season of transition.

For those of you who didn't know, I've been wrestling these past several weeks with a decision regarding whether or not I should continue to attend the church I've called home for the past three and a half years, or whether it was time to move on.

It's time to move on.

I've had an interesting God kind of day. He woke me this morning. I, like Samuel, didn't catch it the first time, and I hit play on my cd player, rolled over and went back to sleep. I woke again within half an hour, much more firmly awake. It still took me several minutes to get it, but I decided that given the decision I knew I had to make today, it would be prudent to hang out with God for a while. He led me to Isaiah, and I read pages and pages, encouraged and strengthened by the words of the prophet. At one point, (8:11), Isaiah says, "The Lord has given em a strong warning not t o think like everyone else." That caught my attention. I read probably ten or twelve chapters, struck by God's redeeming love, his willingness to use even the harshest methods to draw His people closer to his heart, to create a strong and beautiful remnant for His glory.

Last week I wrote about not being able to escape the passage that describes Christ as "the stone the builders rejected that has become the cornerstone." Let me string together for you several bits of scripture that have begun to permeate my thinking this week.

"The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone. He is the stone that makes people stumble and the rock that makes them fall. They stumble because they do not obey God's word, and so they meet the fate that was planned for them. The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone. Look I am placing a foundation stone in Jerusalem, a firm and tested stone. It is a precious cornerstone that is safe to build on. Whoever believes need never be shaken. You are coming to Christ, who is the living cornerstone of God's temple. He was rejected by people, but he was chosen by God for great honor. And you are living stones that God is building into his spiritual temple."

These are the words of the prophet Isaiah, and the apostle Peter. What's interesting to me is that Peter is the about whom Christ said, "On this 'rock' (Peter means rock) I will build my church." And Peter goes on to say that we together are stones being used by God to build His temple here on earth. And heres's the thing, Christ is with us as we are being built into a temple to glorify the name of the Lord. He is the cornerstone, the foundation without which the temple could not exist. And HE IS SAFE TO BUILD ON. Wow.

So I went to the meeting, and joined the people I love in worship, and prayed with them over some dear friends who are moving away from Calgary this next week, and, as I talked with a friend afterwards, and I left the home I knew.

My time in that community is done. All week I have been without peace as I wrestled and cried and prayed. But today, I felt such peace. It is time to step into something new. Maybe just for a season, maybe permanently.

I love these people, and I will see them often, but God is calling me onward to new things. He has given just enough light for the step in front of me, and I'm taking it. I go forward praying for the community I am leaving, and believing that the heart connections are far stronger than just those of physical proximity on Sundays.

This is right, and I am trusting that Christ will indeed be, "a precious cornerstone that is safe to build on."

Cleaning

I've often said that my bedroom reflects my state of mind. If I'm in a generally good place, the space is clean, and ready for creativity to burst forth. If I'm in a generally clouded and wrestling state of mind, my space tends to reflect that too, particularly my desk.

This has been a long few weeks of an extremely clouded and messy state of mind. I'm tired of it. So I'm going to clean. And then I'm going to finish writing something that I started writing two weeks ago.

And tomorrow, I'm going to set about finding a voice that I lost three years ago. I have never had trouble expressing myself verbally, but these last three years, it's been like I was struck dumb. I couldn't verbally string together a cohesive paragraph in certain situations to save my life. The last year I've gained back a great deal of my written voice, and even some of my oral voice, but tomorrow, I'm going to fight back. I'm going to find a voice. Even if it's small and timid, and colored with tears, I'm going to find it. Even if I have to read aloud something I've written. I'm going to find my voice. I'm going to fight for it, and then I'm planning to say a long-coming and painful goodbye.

Cryptic, yes. I'm sorry. Maybe tomorrow or Monday I'll make things clear for you here. If you think of me before then, pray for me. It will be a battle to begin to speak again. And if I don't get here before Tuesday, then you'll have to wait a week or so. I'm leaving for the coast on Wednesday to spend some time with two dear friends, to rest and pray, to grieve the things I'm leaving, and celebrate new things, and refocus for a new season of life.

There's cleaning to be done. I once heard tears described as the way the soul cleans itself. Well, my soul has done a lot of cleaning these last few weeks, and now I'm going to physically clean too.

Something seems off...

I forget occasionally how much of a blessing it is to live in a country that is relatively politically stable. I was reading news coverage this morning of the recent military coup in Thailand, and nearly all of the news stories used the phrase "...the country's first military coup in fifteen years..."

Seems slightly funny when you read it. Like it's such a good thing that it's been fifteen years since the last coup. Like the coups are a fact of life, and you just have to be grateful if they don't happen too regularly!

Two Thoughts

Two quick thoughts....

First, I was "evangelized" on the train on my way to work this morning. I was as is normal for the first half of my trip smushed between several people, and I had my arm over a small asian lady's shoulder, trying to hold on to something that I could actually reach. (At 5'2", the hand holds from the ceiling aren't a very viable option.) I was wearing headphones, listening to a worship mix on my ipod, and trying to prepare myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually for the day ahead. All of a sudden the little (and I do mean little, she was a head shorter than me) asian lady reaches into her bag, and whips halfway around, holding the object out to me. "You want this?"

Now let me just say that I had already established, without ever speaking to this woman, that she was likely a Christian of some variety or other. She was holding an obviously well-used Bible in her arms, waiting for a chance for a seat so she could read. The object she was so suddenly holding out to me happenend to be a CD of a sermon from a local church. I politely declined to accept the CD, hoping that this would end the conversation. Instead she demanded, "Are you already a Christian?"

Seeing no hope for it, I answered yes, again hoping that this would end the conversation.

Instead, she demanded, "What church you go to?" And now I knew I was in a pickle, because my church does not have a nice normal churchy name that people recognize. (And just keep in mind that I was in fact touching another person on every side. This was the c-train at rush hour.) Again I answered quietly with the name of my church. "Epic." "What kind of church is that?" she demanded. "I'm sorry...?" "Is it evangelical?" Finally a question I could answer the way she wanted to hear. An answer that would end the conversation. "Yes." "What kind of a name is Epic? It should be 'Church of Christ' or 'Christ our Lord.' Those are good names for a church."

How does one answer this one? It is 7:30am, on a packed train, and there was not way I was even going to attempt to explain a church name that I'm not sure even I understand. So I shrugged, and again declined to accept the CD she was still waving at me.

"Do you have a friend who's pentecostal?" Now that one caught me off guard. What the heck kind of a question is that!? "Umm... yes." "You take this and give to them."

I conceeded defeat, accepted the CD, thanked her politely for the gift which I slipped into my bag, and she, somewhat mollified turned back around. I accepted the sympathetic looks of a number of fellow passengers who had watched this mini drama playing out in front of them with the grateful eyes of people who are not being accosted in the early morning quiet with some sort of purposeful evangelism. And I disembarked because we had reached my stop.

So, I've been evangelized. Don't you feel good about me? My boss, when I described the scene over lunch at work wondered if we're no evangelizing "within the fold." And are you all praying for me because I have a pentecostal friend? You should you know. I could end up becoming one!

Now that the sarcasm is out of the way, my second thought is somewhat more serious. All day yesterday and today, as I grieved, and prayed, and wept, and laughed, I have not been able to escape this scripture. I have no idea what to do with it, but it is one of those profound thoughts that refuses to go unrecorded.

"The stone the builder's rejected has become the capstone."

Tomorrow night we gather to pray and be in scripture. If you're in Calgary and would like to join us, call or email sometime tomorrow. If you can't join us, please, pray for and with us.

When did that happen?

Megs and I were watching Grey's Anatomy, and one of the lines from one of the episodes stuck with me in a big way.

"I'm an adult! When did that happen? And how do I make it stop?"

Yep. Been feeling that one lately. Missing the non-decision making, limited responsibility days of childhood as I'm in the midst of a number of transitions, and a number of trying situations.

When did I become an adult? And how do I make it stop?