Frustrating Morning

I'm having a not so good morning. My Mexico trip may be in jeopardy. It doesn't cost that much (about $700 + some spending money CDN), but my glasses snapped in half at the bridge of the nose late last night. (I was distracted, getting ready for bed, thought I'd taken them off, hadn't, and pulling my tight hoody off snapped them in two).

My dad is currently trying to repair them. there will be a somewhat visible line where they snapped, but definitely better than trying to wear a pair with a presrciption that is three years out of date. And here's the thing - if he can't repair them, then I'll have to replace them. My glasses usually run $300-400 because of my odd prescription (I have a lazy eye, and astigmatism, making me nearsighted in one eye and farsighted in the other.) Because I'm no longer a student, I no longer have insurance coverage under my parents for my glasses.

Money was already tight for my trip. Because my hours at work have been cut in the last while, my finances have been tight, but somehow I was going to pay for the trip. I was going to write letters this morning to a few friends and family members to ask for financial and prayer support. If I have to replace my glasses, I won't be going to Mexico. I'm praying that my dad will manage to repair them, and that they'll hold through the trip and for a month or two afterwards until I can afford to replace them. I have prescription sunglasses (in the correct prescription) that I can wear during the day on the trip, minimizing the wear and tear on my regular glasses.

Please, God, let this work. I thought you wanted me to make this trip.

The Kingdom Isn't Breaking Through

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the “Kingdom of God.” You see, I’ve been hanging out with this group of people for the past three years that talk about the Kingdom on a pretty regular basis. We’ve talked about the paradox of the “now” versus the “not yet.” The paradox of “my kingdom is coming” versus “my kingdom is here.” And, I think that’s probably a good thing. But, lately, as my life has been in upheaval, as I’ve been healed from depression that plagued me for over five years, as I’ve walked out life with some very messy and broken people and as I’ve re-established a regular discipline of scripture reading, spending time primarily in the Gospels, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable with some things that have been communicated to me over the last years.

First, somewhere along the line, the idea of “the Kingdom of God breaking through” has begun to be associated only with the major events. The kind of services where someone gets healed, or there’s tongues or screaming or dancing wildly, people shaking and falling over, an unreached people group converting to Christ. And I have to wonder about this idea of God’s kingdom being only in the big and showy events. Because my own experiences would challenge that assumption. Now, let me be honest and say that this may not have been intentionally communicated, but it seems we’ve been so busy looking for the “big” events lately that we’ve forgotten to see God’s kingdom in the minutia of daily living – in the moments beyond Sunday night services and Tuesday night house church – in the moments marked with financial difficulties, with illness, with boredom, with questions about life and health, with laughter and tears.

Yes, approximately five months ago, there was a big event in my life – God’s kingdom broke through, and my own depression was healed. However, that was the last big event I have personally experienced. And yet, I don’t think that that was the last time God’s kingdom broke through. Because there have been any number of tiny moments when I have known without a doubt the presence of God’s kingdom in my life. There was the phone call at two in the morning, during a week where my attitude was anything but appropriate for ministry, where God very clearly drew me out of my own self-involved thoughts and asked me to speak to the broken and weeping woman on the other end of the phone line. I know from further conversations with her that she remembers very little of what God asked me to speak that night, but the conversation is burned into my own mind with the clarity of a moment where God very clearly intervened beyond my own willingness, ability or skills.

My second challenge is this: We have become so caught up in seeking the “kingdom of God” that we have neglected to develop an ability to deal with the messiness that ensues when God’s kingdom does not break through. And let me be completely honest – while there have been any number of moments where I have known God’s kingdom breakthrough without a doubt, there have been far more moments when I have known with equal certainty that God’s kingdom was not breaking through. And here’s the thing – we must learn to look for God in those moments as well. Because He, as an omnipresent Savior can be no less present in the moments when the realities of evil are winning than He can be in the moments when His kingdom is noticeably breaking through. So what do we do when the kingdom of God is not breaking through?

We must learn to live with messy. The thing is, I know a lot of people who espouse the value of recognizing the messiness of the human condition, but I know very few people who can actually live what they are espousing. When God’s kingdom broke through in my life, and my depression was healed, the messiness in my life didn’t disappear, it simply shifted. I am still a wounded person, whom God is healing day by day. And four days after God stepped into my life, He tossed me headlong into ministering to others who have led lives far more messy than my own. And we talk and talk and talk about the beauty of honesty, the beauty of being “real” but so very few people choose to actually live these values.

I am in a place in life where I cannot help but speak with honesty. I come from a family background where lies and evil were perpetuated by silence, and I am compelled at times to speak and break the hold of that silence on my life. And at times it feels harsh and critical to speak honestly, and I wonder if I am wrong. At other moments I struggle with the feeling of exposure and vulnerability – having the honest state of my life on display. But I have watched for years as people within the body of Christ suffered in silence. I have been a victim of the mentality that attaches societal stigma to issues like depression and abuse, and makes the church a place of hurt rather than a place of healing. I cannot wear the masks anymore.

And here’s the thing – I am finding God in the places where it seems evil is the most rampant. In the lives of abused women and broken families. In my own life and struggles. Yes, God healed me from depression. He gave me hope. But four days later he plunged me headlong into the very evil realities of life for a number of people I am privileged to call friends. I sat at house church last night, pondering a couple of conversations I’d had in the previous twenty-four hours. I sat there and my heart was breaking for these people. And I realized something – if the reality of evil in the lives of these people was breaking my heart, how much more so was it breaking the heart of God? And so, I’m going to keep looking for Him in the places where His kingdom is NOT breaking through. I’m going to keep praying for breakthrough, but looking for Him even in the places where breakthrough is not happening. I’m going to look for Him in the tiny breakthroughs, and not just the big moments. Because He is no less present in those tiny places, and in the places marked by evil than He is in the big “the kingdom most definitely broke through” moments.

Thinking and Thinking and Thinking

And maybe writing. I have stuff on the brain. Some big decisions to make, some issues to work through mentally. Some theological stuff to wade through. Some sorrow to experience and let ebb. And as I'm doing this stuff, I'll probably write some of it down. It may or may not make it here... but I'll be around I promise!

And now, off to write an article that's been sitting in my brain and bothering me for the last couple of days. Then I guess I'll have to get dressed, and go to work. So much for an exciting day!

International Women's Day

To recognize International Women's Day, I am bringing forward a portion of a post I put up in December. I continue to find Rachel Conrad Wahlberg's words to be both challenging and inspiring - a picture of a Jesus who not only respected women, but relied on them and honored them - a Jesus I would want to meet.

I attended a lecture this morning in one of my classes on "liberation theology" and the "feminist theology" that is closely tied to this. It is an interesting topic. The professor gave us a copy of a "creed" that one feminist theologian wrote. I found it strikingly biblical, and challenging. The author, Rachel Conrad Wahlberg, wrote "The Woman's Creed" in 1978 after reflecting for a time on the Apostle's Creed. I would not use her creed in a liturgy, as it lacks discussion of key elements of faith such as the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ, but I find her conception of Jesus and his relationship to women fascinating. So, I thought I'd share it with you!
I believe in God
who created woman and man in God's own image
who created the world
and gave both sexes
the care of the earth.

I believe in Jesus
child of God
chosen of God
born of the woman Mary
who listened to women and liked them
who stayed in their homes
who discussed the Kingdom with them
who was followed and financed
by women disciples.

I believe in Jesus
who discussed theology with a woman at a well
and first confided in her
his messiahship
who motivated her to go and tell
her great news to the city.

I believe in Jesus who received anointing
from a woman at Simon's house
who rebuked the men guests who scorned her
I believe in Jesuswho said this woman will be remembered
for what she did -minister to Jesus.

I believe in Jesuswho acted boldly
to reject the blood taboo
of ancient societies
by healing the audacious woman who touched him.

I believe in Jesus who healed a woman
on the sabbathand made her straight
because she was
a human being.

I believe in Jesus
who spoke of God
as a woman seeking the lost coin
as a woman who swept
seeking the lost.

I believe in Jesus
who thought of pregnancy and birth
with reverence
not as punishment - but
as wrenching event
a metaphor for transformation
born again
anguish-into-joy.

I believe in Jesus
who spoke of himself
as a mother her
who would gather her chicks
under her wings.

I believe in Jesus who appeared
first to Mary Magdalene
who sent her with the bursting message
GO AND TELL...

I believe in the wholeness
of the Savior
in whom there is neither
Jew nor Greek
slave nor free
male nor female
for we are all one
in salvation.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
as she moves over the waters
of creation
and over the earth.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
as she yearns within us
to pray for those things
too deep for words.

I believe in the Holy Spirit
the woman spirit of God*
who like a hen
created us
and gave us birth
and covers uswith her wings.

*the Hebrew word for Spirit is feminine

So, there you have it. I like this picture of a God who values me as female, who presents important messages to women. I don't have all the answers, I certainly don't subscribe most days to a feminist (there's that awful word again) mindset, but I can subscribe to this God, who values me, who created me uniquely female, and says that there is something beautiful in that.

With Tears

I came across another story in "Let Me Tell You a Story" by Tony Campolo that I simply had to share. Campolo writes:

The story is told of a church in a small town that got a new preacher. Everyone in the town was talking about how wonderful he was. Then the town skeptic asked one of the church deacons, "Why is this preacher so much better than the last one you had?"

The deacon answered, "The last one told us we were sinners, and that unless we repented we would all go to hell."

The skeptic asked, "And what does this new preacher say?"

"This new preacher tells us we're all sinners and unless we repent and accept Jesus, we're all going to hell," was the answer.

The skeptic just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I fail to see any difference between the two."

And the deacon answered, "The new preacher says it with tears in his eyes."