Selfish Activist

Wow, I just reread my last post. I sound like some kind of impassioned activist type! It made me laugh a bit. The truth is, I do care, but, to my own shame, most of the time I'm far too lazy to do anything about it. I keep telling myself that I should get involved. Most of the time, though, my good intentions are shoved aside in favor of daily life.

I've been often convicted over the last months of selfishness. Most of the time I care far more about my own life and my own problems than anything else. I spend far too much of my time consumed with my own pursuits. I feel safe when it is only me (and maybe those in my closest circle of friends) that matters. When I stop to admit that someone who is a stranger, or someone who makes me uncomfortable is important, then I have to acknowledge that I might be pulled out of my own comfort zone in order to help or be with that person. I would have to acknowledge the possibility of being hurt, or of having my trust betrayed.

A couple of months ago, my dad sat down at dinner, looked at me, and said, "I have a challenge for you." I started quaking in my seat, and tears got ready to fall. My dad is a wonderful person, but incredibly blunt, and I knew instinctively that I would probably not like what he was going to say. What he said, was something like this, "I challenge you for the next month, in conversations, to talk less, and listen more. You are very like me, and I have learned that I miss a great deal of depth of relationship when I constantly fill the silences with my own empty words. It's taken me forty plus years to learn this, learn it now while you're young."

OKAY. So, I kind of laughed at him, but his words so meshed with the convictions God had placed upon me in recent months that I couldn't help but ponder them. I began to try to listen. I think it scared some of my friends at first, that I was suddenly more silent. All I was trying to do was hear them, and hear the things God would have me say to them, rather than just blabbering constantly as had been my habit. But it was true. When I stopped talking, my friends began to fill the silences, and I learned new things about them, and was able to pray for them much more effectively.

I don't know quite how to end this story. Unfortunately, life happened, and my resolve to be less selfish slipped as I dealt with depression again and many other things. My conviction is this - I need to be less selfish, but at the same time, I am terrified of being pulled from my comfort zone. I believe I'll end with this - I pray that God will continually convict me of my love affair with myself. I pray that he'll give me courage and wisdom and strength to love others more than I love myself.

Something Wrong With This Picture

I was just at the website for Christianity Today magazine, looking to see if Philip Yancey, one of my favorite authors, had written any new articles recently. I didn't make it to searching for the article. I was stopped by the front page.

The website has a search feature, and based on that search feature, on the front page of the website, a list of "Hot Issues" appears, with links that will lead you to all of the articles on that topic. Heading the list was "Popes John Paul II and Benedict XVI". Okay, that makes sense - the death of the pope and the election of a new one has been a major issue in "christendom" over the last month or so. What really caught me, though, was the seventh item in the list of twenty - "Sponge Bob Square Pants". Ironically, the last item on the list was "Sudan".

I think we might have a problem. When a semi-ridiculous controversy over a children's cartoon is generating greater interest than a genocide that has killed an estimated 200,000-300,000 people, we might need to stop and reconsider our priorities. Sudan was at the bottom of the list, below items such as "The Ten Commandments" (another American controversy) and "The Top 10 Films of 2004". There are 19 things we care more about then the loss of human life on a major scale. Ironically, when I quickly scanned the list of top films, "Hotel Rwanda" came in at number two for the year. I could probably rant forever, but I'll stop with this question - Assuming that Christians are the primary readers and accessers of this website, when did we start caring more about entertainment and debating its merits, than about human life?

With that said, I'm going back to read the articles on Sudan, and then (hopefully) find a new Philip Yancey article as well.

R-rated Jesus Film

The latest issue of Relevant Magazine arrived in my mailbox this morning, and I had to share with all of you this fantastic quote/stat about movie ratings, tucked away in small print on page 18. It made me laugh pretty hard, and I think it might amuse some of you as well!

"For the first time in 20 years, PG-rated films hauled in more money than R-rated ones in 2004. With films like Shrek 2 and The Incredibles, PG films cashed in a clean $2.3 billion. Ironicly, a Jesus film kept the R-rated films competitive..."

Whining at God

I've had a bit of a rough week again. I've been wrestling over and over again with questions that don't seem to have answers, feeling pulled by strong forces in a wide variety of opposing directions. My mind refuses to shut down, even at night. Last night I left an important document somewhere, and realized it just before I went to bed. All night I dreamt and worried about it. My brain mixed it up with all the other wrestles of my week, and it made for a rather restless night.

As I was walking to work this morning, I started to have my typical morning conversation with God. It goes something like this: "God, I'm so tired this morning. I had another restless night, and I'm frustrated. I'm tired of the way my life has been for the past two years. I want something new. Break through the exhaustion, the depression, the frustration. I love you so much. You're so important to me - why don't you hear me? Why don't you respond?" and on it goes from there.

Only this morning, it was different. Before I got to the line where I whine at God for not hearing me, He interrupted. Suddenly, the first line of Psalm 116, that I've been memorizing at work and meditating on popped into my head. "I love the Lord for he heard my voice." Whoops!

I needed that reminder this morning. I was lonely, feeling unfulfilled, unheard, feeling like my soul was lacking deep connection - with other people and with God. So, as I started to whine to God, he reminded me gently that he does hear, and care.

Psalm 116:1-2 "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live."

More from Henri Nouwen

In my last post, I included a meditation by Henri Nouwen that was emailed to me. Since then, I've received two more emails by Nouwen, both also covering the topic of writing, and I wanted to share them here as well.

The first one was titled, "Writing, Opening a Deep Well"
Nouwen writes, "Writing is not just jotting down ideas. Often we say: "I don't know what to write. I have no thoughts worth writing down." But much good writing emerges from the process of writing itself. As we simply sit down in front of a sheet of paper and start to express in words what is on our minds or in our hearts, new ideas emerge, ideas that can surprise us and lead us to inner places we hardly knew were there.

One of the most satisfying aspects of writing is that it can open in us deep wells of hidden treasures that are beautiful for us as well as for others to see."

The second one was titled, "Making Our Lives Available to Others"
Nouwen writes, "One of the arguments we often use for not writing is this: "I have nothing original to say. Whatever I might say, someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to." This, however, is not a good argument for not writing. Each human person is unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived. Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others as well. Writing can be a very creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others.

We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them."

I read many blogs, emails, articles and books on a daily basis, and I feel continually blessed to be able to read, learn from, and be given insight into so many people's journeys of life and faith. Keep writing, keep pouring out your hearts. For me, writing is the best way I know to make my life available to others. I am thankful that I have so many friends, and even people I don't know, who are making their lives available to me.