Daily 5 - Year 5, Day 43

Today's Daily 5:

1. that it waited to start snowing until after I arrived at the hospital early this morning
2. a really interesting patient for the day
3. the clinical nurse educator who sent me down to observe two procedures for my patient
4. easy access to a shower after a day at the hospital that left me feeling desperate for one
5. steak dinner out with a good friend

Daily 5 - Year 4, Day 42

Today's Daily 5:

1. housesitting meaning that my early morning hospital shift was a little bit easier commute
2. resting into the prayers of friends as I faced a daunting day
3. an early morning moon
4. a cozy hoodie
5. the smell of rain
6. new experiences, always new experiences at the hospital
7. a meeting that went differently (better) than expected
8. Jason Upton playing through my headphones as I took the train home
9. the beauty of a shower any time I want one (thank you housesitting)
10. being able to prioritize my own needs a little bit more clearly

Daily 5 - Year 4, Days 35 - 41

Life has been just a little bit crazy over the last week or so, and I've just not made it here to record my daily 5, though I've certainly been aware of those moments that would make the list as the time has passed.  However, since I managed to forget to even write them down in my journal, I'm here to give you a highlights list for days 35 through 41 of Year 4.

1. Coffee with my friend K and the encouragement he offered
2. a skype date/book discussion with S.
3. a yoga class that ended up being held outside
4. hugging my favorite little boys
5. a skype date with Lyds - so good to chat with my bestest friend for a couple hours, after a couple of particularly trying days
6. having the support of a number of dear friends as I've been wrestling through some faith and life issues
7. the overwhelming sense of being "not alone"
8. enjoying my nursing practicums
9. the advice my friend Karla gave me in a phone call.
10. a phone date with K and baby A in Florida
11. worship at the university on mondays
12. Instagram photos
13. listening to podcasts on the bus in the mornings
14. listening to audiobooks on my afternoon transit commutes
15. some really fascinating patients
16. books that are challenging my heart
17. slowly figuring out rhythms for this season of life
18. nurses who have been really great teachers
19. finding the right resources to make studying go a bit more smoothly
20. 93% on my first nursing math test!
21. working with friends on assignments
22. vietnamese take out
23. the anticipation of a quieter weekend coming up
24. housesitting for the next couple weeks
25. a long hot shower after a really frustrating work shift last weekend

They Kill Prophets

Her words have played over and over in my head in the week or so since I sat across from her.

"It seems that in this area, like so many others in your life, you are called to be 'other', to speak, to be a prophet calling out from the outside."

I cringe every time the words come back to me; each time they sink a bit more deeply into my reality.

There's a truth there, but one I'd rather avoid.

She is a trusted advisor that I've come to know over the last year and a bit.  She listened as I shared, as I thought out loud, and then she gently called me to task.

"I don't want to hear those words," I told her.

Tears sprang to life, unbidden, and it takes me a few moments to collect myself, to continue.

"I don't want to be other.  It's alienating.  It's deeply lonely, this living on the outside.  It hurts."

We talk about this for a while, and she tasks me with the job of remembering those who surround me even in this place.

And yet, as the week has played out, it is the truth, spoken again of being separate that has stuck with me.

It's that truth that makes me ache as I ponder various facets of my life - as I consider the places where my spirit is being challenged to expand, to grow.

And it leads again to the conversation Jesus and I have been having for many years.  The one where I stop and look at him, disgruntled, hurting, annoyed.  The one where I ask "This too?  I have to be different, to be other, to call from the outside in this facet too? I couldn't exist from within the boundaries on just this one?  It wasn't enough that I was already separate in all those other ways? You're asking this as well?  Sure, being a prophet is a noble gig, but you remember, they kill prophets!  It was you who pointed this out to the pharisees.  I don't want this."

And it is quiet.  And then I remember, I remember this Jesus who was isolated, whose dearest friends fell asleep in his moment of anguish.  I remember this Jesus who begged his Father for a different path, not in a resigned, "I guess I'll do it, but I'm just checking" sort of way, but with a fervor that caused blood vessels to burst, that caused droplets of blood where sweat should have been.

And my separation, my wrestle, my questions, they're still not sated.  But I am comforted by the reminder that this road is one I don't walk alone.

Daily 5 - Year 4, Day 34

Today's Daily 5:

1. the chance to attend worship on campus this morning
2. a generous friend in the nursing field sharing a very helpful resource with me
3. sharing a mug of tea with a long-time friend/advisor, and having a chance to process just a bit out loud
4. a cat nap in the sun on the bus commute home
5. curling up with my books, in a warm corner, managing to accomplish some much procrastinated homework