Overthinking

I am...

overthinking.

Crap.

I'm going to bed.

I am...

I am…

• Wearing mostly new clothes with a favorite old sweater on top.

• Glad that tomorrow is Friday

• Perpetually curious

• Bad at sleeping

• Often tired

• A lover of many things green

• Convinced that you are happier when you wear color and variety, than when you wear only black and white, or a uniform

• One who has experienced healing

• One who longs to see healing worked in the lives of others

• A perpetual book buyer

• The owner of well over a thousand volumes (and growing!)

• One who reads with a pen in hand, marking all my favorite bits for easy access later on

• Addicted to memoirs

• Constantly thinking out loud

• Easily distracted

• More likely to drink water than just about anything (except perhaps tea)

• A lover of beauty

• Short (or more nicely put, petite)

• Going to Malta in two weeks

• Rebooking my plane ticket from Malta to London, to let me spend a few days with friends in London before returning to Canada

• A control freak

• In love with cute shoes

• Unable to pass up a bargain

• Convinced that milk chocolate is how chocolate was meant to be – creamy and sweet, and that dark chocolate is just a bit too medicinal to truly be considered chocolate

• A person with texture and smell issues when it comes to food

• A lover of Jesus

• An occasional mystic

• Completely pragmatic

• A loner who loves people

• An introvert who eventually gets tired of herself

• A television lover for the way it (usually) lets me disengage my over-active brain for an hour or two

• More likely to fall asleep if there is a book on tape playing nearby

• Fond of simple things

• A daughter

• A sister

• A granddaughter

• A cousin

• A friend

• An (occasional) writer

• Happily single (with rare exceptions)

• Not a lover of children (with five exceptions and room for more as certain friends begin having families)

• Good at my job (but ready for a break from it)

• Currently sporting shorter hair than I have in a while and dyed eyelashes

• A fan of clean clothes and sheets, but a loather of doing laundry (well, actually, folding laundry) and changing sheets

• Part of a crazy inter-connected group of people spread across the country who love to pray

• At turns quiet and at turns very, very loud

• A lover of U2

• Rather tone deaf, and unlikely to be caught singing where you can hear me

• Completely convinced that singing along with the radio while driving alone is the only way to go

• A country music fan

• Intuitive

• One who cares deeply

• Eventually going to get a masters degree from a seminary in counseling

• A dreamer

• Loved

• Learning what it means to be thankful on a daily basis

• Slightly odd

• Completely sarcastic in a deadpan sort of way in all the wrong moments

• Constantly having to explain that I was being sarcastic when someone takes an outrageous deadpan remark of mine seriously

• An idealist

• happiest when I'm comfortable

• constantly being stretched

• learning to be okay with things that I've known are true about myself for a very long time

• a lover of truth

• often accused of being blunt

• not always quick enough to filter the thoughts before they burst out of my lips

• not usually a poet or a reader of poetry, but every once in a while something fantastic comes along, and I read it, or write it, and fall in love with words and poetry and beauty all over again.
  

• at rest, peaceful and filled with joy tonight.

Another Day

I did the praying I intended last night, and as I suspected it might, it carried into my sleep. Weird dreams. Tossing and turning. And an early morning to get my roommate to the airport on time.

Oddly, though, I'm okay with the turn my life has taken. I'm okay with knowing my soul prays incessantly while I sleep. I'm even kind of okay with the dreams.

There is a certain nearness of Jesus in this space, and for that I am grateful.

So, I'm sitting here at my desk, about to begin another work day, staring at the venti passion tea I picked up at Starbucks after I dropped my roommate at the airport, and I'm grateful. Grateful for a Lord who speaks (even in the middle of the night!).

Snapping into that space

Ever had a day where you were completely not in a certain space, and then someone says something that pulls you immediately into that space?

I was really relaxed today. Peaceful, at rest. (and this sounds bad to say.) Not engaging at all in a spiritual or moral way with the world. I did completely random things today. Went boxing day shopping with my brothers, my roommate, and a friend for several hours this morning. Came home, watched an episode or two of Grey's Anatomy. Popped in a movie I borrowed from my brother (Step Up) and fell asleep on the couch for an hour. Went to the mall and mailed some letters to New Zealand for my roommate, bought a book, and found some great deals on shoes. Picked up vietnamese for dinner, watched the end of my movie, and crashed on the couch. Let my roommate talk me into letting her dye my eyelashes (her alternative to putting mascara on all the time), and then painted my toenails.

I got two emails today that have pulled me into two separate spaces.

One from someone very close to me. Criticizing an action I made the other day. One that I'm not sure how I feel about. It pulled me into a guilty, uncomfortable, angry, self-evaluating state.

One from a relatively new friend. That one came just a little while ago. Pulled me into a space where I need to pray. I'll finish the tv show I'm watching, and hole up in my room.

I'm not going to think about the fact that I need to leave my house before 7 tomorrow morning to drive my roommate to the airport, and then go to work. I'm not going to think about the whole day of work that's facing me. I'm just going to hole up and pray.

Which is probably how I should have responded to any number of things today, including both of those emails.

Confuddled

There are a lot of things racing around my head tonight.

Some tension with my dad.

Whether or not I need to do something about the tension with my dad.

The various things I purchased in Boxing Day sales today.

The value of doing girly things and indulging the feminine parts of me more often.

How early I have to get up to drive my roommate to the airport tomorrow.

That I get to wear jeans to work for the rest of the week.

How truly, bone-weary, tired I'm feeling right now.

How excited I am for my trip to Malta.

How many things I still need to take care of before Malta (and how I need to make a list of those things to make sure they get done.)

How I'm missing certain friends, and looking forward to spending time with them in the coming year.

How I should really be productive and fold laundry while I watch tv, but that would require me moving from my spot on the couch.

How glad I am that there aren't too many work days left before I leave. Work is making me feel weary these days.

How annoying the e-harmony television commercials are.

How I don't want to wait to read the new book I bought today to take to Malta with me.

How I'm feeling WAY overwhelmed in terms of sensory input, and want to hide out somewhere silent for days, but am afraid, too, of what I'd encounter in the silence.

What my dreams and plans are for the next year.

Too many things floating around my brain at once tonight. I'm feeling confuddled. Or possibly discombobulated. I do love the word discombobulated.

Good night!