mumbling, bumbling and other incoherence

It's been one of those introverted, not too much happening, thinking way too much kind of weeks. I can't quite believe that I haven't posted since last Sunday, but I haven't actually spent very much time at my computer (at least my home computer) this week.

I'm fumbling, bumbling, and mumbling under my breath as I wander through the maze of considering a change in churches. My church has entered a "transition" stage for what has to be at least the third time in the three years I've been attending. Not that transition is in any way bad - it's more that this particular phase of transitioning has reignited a number of questions and concerns that have been lying quiet and dormant for much of the last six months.

Some days I miss the whole not hearing from God thing. Other days I wish I could hear Him with the clarity I hear my mom telling me to wash dishes, or my dad asking me to clean up the yard after our dog so he can mow the back lawn. Most days I live somewhere in between not hearing at all and hearing with clear understanding. The infinite inbetweenness.

Rainy weather is bad for my state of mind when I'm already in a wrestling, mumbling, overthinking kind of phase. And the weather has been rainy since Wednesday morning. Pouring rain, grey skies with little to distinguish sunrise from sunset - mostly just soggy greyness everywhere. The streets, the sky, the whole world has felt grey this week.

Before the rain, on Tuesday night I went to a house concert in some friend's backyard. The band (Jacob and Lily - check them out - fabulous!) played under an apple tree decorated with twinkle lights and paper lanterns. I sat and simply soaked. Let the tension from too much thinking drain off a little, enjoyed the music, and enjoyed watching my friends enjoy the music. I love how many different ways there are for body language to communicate relaxation, enjoyment, concentration. Every person there a little different, but everyone seeming to have a great time. This event had to be by far one of the coolest things I've done this summer. Right up there with spending a day with Megs in the mountains. Sitting in mountain cirque in the sun and taking in the creation.

And one of Karla's CDs has been the perfect soundtrack for my introspective, overthinking, mellow, grey weather mood. I loaded it on my ipod the morning after the concert and have listened to it nearly every day on my commute to and from work.

So here's a question - what do you look for in a church community? I've been thinking and praying and thinking and praying, trying to figure out next steps, and I have no idea. I have some vague notions of what things are important to me, and even some clear ideas, but I have no idea how to make a decision about changing, or even what things I need to think about. I grew up in the church my dad pastored, and stumbled in my current church community completely by accident. I haven't so much had to think about these sorts of things before. So I'm really asking all of you blog readers for your insights.

Keep praying for us. Tuesday night the first batch of friends is gathering at my home to barbeque and to pray and be in scripture together. This is a dream beginning to play out, and I feel helpless and nervous. As much as I crave genuine community, it scares me to death. I'm pretty up front with my flaws, with my mumblings and bumblings, but it still scares me to commit to always being honest about those things. To share all of them, not just the ones I can make funny or pretty. But it's something God has placed so heavily on me - a calling to live a genuine life before Him and the world. Most days I fail miserably. Most days I don't remember that I'm trying to live out a God calling, and I live a "Lisa" calling. But I really do want so much more out of this... Pray for us, that we will push through and genuinely be open with each other, that we will genuinely seek the heart of God as we gather.

Walking and Praying

I went for a walk tonight. This is almost unheard of behaviour for me. I am the stereotypical bookworm academic. I am much happier curled up in a chair than moving around. It was made especially atypical by the fact that I represented the Bay at a local bridal expo today, and was on my feet far more than is usual, and they were sore after my shift ended.

I came home from the expo, watched another episode or two of the West Wing, and realized that I needed to create some space to do some thinking and praying. And that I needed to walk, and to be in nature to do it. So I gathered up my ipod, purse, car keys, sunglasses and cell phone (no one said I had to rough it to be in nature), hopped in the car and drove myself to Fish Creek Park.

For the next half-hour or so I simply walked and soaked. I played a Jason Upton cd through the ipod and just walked. There was a deer on my path at one point - so close I could have almost touched it before it ran away into the bushes. The clouds were beautiful, the air was crisp, the birds were everywhere, and there were very few people. So I walked and worshipped and prayed a little. Mostly I needed to make sure I took the time to soak in the presence of God. I felt like there was space to breath. There was freedom. I think that God propelled me from my couch into the park to see a bigger picture again. To be reminded of the beauty in His creation, the vastness of who He is. To draw my attention from the narrow situation that I've focused on to Him. As I was driving there I was thinking about how desperately I needed to find a human being to talk through this situation in great depth with, picking apart every aspect until I found just the right words to communicate my heart and solve everything. As soon as I thought that, I felt God reminding me that I really needed to talk with Him about this situation. That it is His. So I walked, and I breathed, and I soaked, and I prayed. My mind was quite for at least the entire first loop. I simply noticed my surroundings and soaked in the music and presence of God. The second loop I began to pray a little, and then I was done.

I'm in the midst of a difficult situation yet again. I'm working on writing a piece that God has laid clearly on my heart to communicate to some of those involved in the situation. It's not been easy, and is probably why I needed to walk and pray.

So here's what my week looks like: My last shift at the Bay as a full-time employee is tomorrow. Tomorrow night Megs and my brother and I are going to see Starfield play and hear David Nasser speak. Tuesday I start my new job full-time, and Tuesday night is a house concert that I'm attending. The rest of the week will be pretty quiet and restful as I begin to adapt to my new job and use the evenings to take it easy, and to continue writing this piece.

Pray for me this week as I am studying scripture and writing. I want desperately to hear God clearly and communicate His heart in this situation.

Pray for me too, as I begin meeting in the next weeks with a group of friends to worship, pray, and study scripture together on a regular basis. I have been dreaming of this somewhat quietly for a long time - a God dream hidden deep that is beginning to come to frution. We desire to meet God intimately as we meet with each other, to honor Him and and invite His presence and His kingdom among us.

And with that, I'm off to bed - to read scripture, pray a bit more, and sleep.

like my dad.

My dad cracked up at a statement I made tonight. When I asked him why he was laughing, he said it was because I think so much like him at times.

I had given him a copy of an email I received today in regards to a difficult situation that I've found myself involved in. I asked him to read the email, and tell me what he thought.

After he read it, I told him that I felt that I needed to respond to the message, and respond not only to the writer, but to three people in the situation at once. He asked me what I would say, and I told him where I would start. I would start by clarifying the basics of the process of discernment surrounding the situation.

And he laughed, because the question I raised is the one he would have started with too.

Somewhere along the way, without my ever really noticing it was happening, some healing has begun to happen in my relationship with my dad. We've had more conversations this week than we've had in the last year, and they've been challenging and helpful conversations. I didn't know it was happening, but I'm sure grateful that it is.

And, if I have to think like someone else, most days I'm glad it's like my dad. (Although he apologized tongue in cheek to one of my brother's and I the other day for teaching us to think independently, to weigh things carefully against scripture, and to make wise and careful decisions to the best of our abilities. He apologized because it has meant that we don't fit easily into many situations - we don't swallow what other people automatically ingest as truth. We are cautious, at times analytical. He didn't really mean to apologize. He was simply acknowledging that we are different from many of our peers. He's not sorry, just sorry that it has at times made our lives ridiculously bumpy.) Ah, well, like I said, most days I'm glad he taught us to think well!

Scripture like clothing...

I am re-reading Lauren Winner's "Girl Meets God." Now I am always biased in favor of the spiritual autobiography genre, and it certainly helps that Winner is a historian, focusing on a period of American Religious history that I have found fascinating. It also helps that she is a brilliant and engaging writer, seamlessly weaving history and theology into her account of her journey from Orthodox Judaism to Christianity.

But raving about this book (and you really should all pick it up) is not what I'm writing about. I read a portion today that I found to be particularly profound. Winner is describing a discussion she had with a Jewish friend regarding a particular text in the Jewish scriptures, and she writes:

I remember that this is what drew me to Judaism, in the first place, these words, turning them over like marbles in my hand, living inside the texts like clothes. Sometimes they are wool and they scratch and you want to take them off and maybe you do but you never stay naked for long.

I love this description of the scriptures. I love the idea of Scripture being so very important, so very central that it is like clothing. And I love the way Winner furthered the analogy - that sometimes the text rubs against you, and you discard it, and yet, you always return to it because to not return would to be missing something essential - to be in some way naked.

I think I feel this way about the scriptures. There have been times when I have set them aside, unwilling to accept the implications of various passages. And yet, they draw me back constantly, because without a scriptural basis, my life is somewhat off kilter.

(In a closing parenthetical comment, if you ever want another good read, pick up "Mudhouse Sabbath" also by Winner. She discusses a number of disciplines in which she argues that Christianity could be greatly enriched by drawing from Judaism. Fascinating stuff.)

thinking churchy thoughts

Well, I find myself in the middle of somewhat of a conundrum regarding church. You see, my church, the one that I've called home for the last three and a half years, has just announced that they are entering a period of discerning whether or not they've fulfilled their mandate, and are considering shutting down.

I'm hurting, for a number of reasons in response to this. First, because I really believe that this church is something unique, something needed by many, and that it has the possibilities for many greater things. Second, the situation has not been handled particularly delicately, and the way it was handled has left me reeling a bit, and hurt and angry. There is much I could say to round out this paragraph, but to be honest, I don't see the point.

I came home Sunday night, after the announcement was made, after we all went out for dinner and pretended that the announcement hadn't just been made. (Well, maybe I was the only one pretending, because everyone else who came out for dinner knew in advance.) I came home and had a long conversation with my dad about church. I cried myself through the conversation and into a migraine headache and went to bed.

Now, if you know me, you know that that was a bit of a loaded conversation. Because I left the church I grew up in, the church my dad pastors, to attend the church that may now be closing its doors. I left with my father's blessing, but also with the knowledge through these years that it has not always been a decision that made him particularly happy.

We had another long conversation at dinner tonight. He poses some very good questions, things I can't quite answer. He makes strong points - ones that I wish I could raise with leadership at my church, but ones that I dont' know how to raise without sounding selfish. Things like, why haven't you help me discover my areas of giftedness? Why haven't you allowed for me to grow and mature in opportunities to minister? But I don't want it to be so much about me.

And then, he asked me to carefully consider what I'm looking for in a church body, reminding me that my needs now are quite different than they were three and a half years ago. He said "three years ago you were something of an oozing sore in a lot of areas of your life, you aren't that person anymore, and I suspect that if you were to consider carefully, you'd realize that your needs in a church community have changed as well." I think he might be right.

I still believe that my church community could meet those needs, but some things would need to change. We would need to quit pretending to be community and start actually being it. We would need to take the time to acknowledge that quite a few core members of our church body are struggling, burnt-out, or in very difficult times in our lives. It seems we've been playing at community - claiming it as our own as long as times are good, and are beginning to run from it now when times are somewhat more difficult.

Maybe it's time for a transition. I hate the thought of looking for a new church again - I feel like it took me three years to settle into this community. To be honest, I'm probably not going to be in Calgary that much longer either. The big opportunity that I've mentioned here several times is a relocation to the Los Angeles area. We're moving ahead with plans to relocate sometime between March and May of next year.

My dad suggested that if I decided to leave my church, given the fact that I may not be in Calgary all that much longer, I may want to consider attending his church again. And, to be honest, he raised some good points. They have a new staff member coming on board. It would no longer be only my dad as my pastor. The new guy is someone I've known for quite a while, and have a great deal of respect for. My dad also pointed out that his church excels at developing leaders and giftings. He told me that I have leadership gifts that I'm allowing to lay dormant for reasons he didn't know. He's right.

There are cons - his church is decidely more conservative when it comes to the Holy Spirit and Kingdom Theology - things I've learnt a great deal about in the last three years. His church is also the one I left because I desperately needed to escape the pressures of being the pastor's daughter, and living in the shadow of my family.

I don't know... I guess I just needed to write some of this out on paper. The next while will be about praying for God's guidance in this area of my life, and consulting the wise advisors that He has placed around me.