Well, I find myself in the middle of somewhat of a conundrum regarding church. You see, my church, the one that I've called home for the last three and a half years, has just announced that they are entering a period of discerning whether or not they've fulfilled their mandate, and are considering shutting down.
I'm hurting, for a number of reasons in response to this. First, because I really believe that this church is something unique, something needed by many, and that it has the possibilities for many greater things. Second, the situation has not been handled particularly delicately, and the way it was handled has left me reeling a bit, and hurt and angry. There is much I could say to round out this paragraph, but to be honest, I don't see the point.
I came home Sunday night, after the announcement was made, after we all went out for dinner and pretended that the announcement hadn't just been made. (Well, maybe I was the only one pretending, because everyone else who came out for dinner knew in advance.) I came home and had a long conversation with my dad about church. I cried myself through the conversation and into a migraine headache and went to bed.
Now, if you know me, you know that that was a bit of a loaded conversation. Because I left the church I grew up in, the church my dad pastors, to attend the church that may now be closing its doors. I left with my father's blessing, but also with the knowledge through these years that it has not always been a decision that made him particularly happy.
We had another long conversation at dinner tonight. He poses some very good questions, things I can't quite answer. He makes strong points - ones that I wish I could raise with leadership at my church, but ones that I dont' know how to raise without sounding selfish. Things like, why haven't you help me discover my areas of giftedness? Why haven't you allowed for me to grow and mature in opportunities to minister? But I don't want it to be so much about me.
And then, he asked me to carefully consider what I'm looking for in a church body, reminding me that my needs now are quite different than they were three and a half years ago. He said "three years ago you were something of an oozing sore in a lot of areas of your life, you aren't that person anymore, and I suspect that if you were to consider carefully, you'd realize that your needs in a church community have changed as well." I think he might be right.
I still believe that my church community could meet those needs, but some things would need to change. We would need to quit pretending to be community and start actually being it. We would need to take the time to acknowledge that quite a few core members of our church body are struggling, burnt-out, or in very difficult times in our lives. It seems we've been playing at community - claiming it as our own as long as times are good, and are beginning to run from it now when times are somewhat more difficult.
Maybe it's time for a transition. I hate the thought of looking for a new church again - I feel like it took me three years to settle into this community. To be honest, I'm probably not going to be in Calgary that much longer either. The big opportunity that I've mentioned here several times is a relocation to the Los Angeles area. We're moving ahead with plans to relocate sometime between March and May of next year.
My dad suggested that if I decided to leave my church, given the fact that I may not be in Calgary all that much longer, I may want to consider attending his church again. And, to be honest, he raised some good points. They have a new staff member coming on board. It would no longer be only my dad as my pastor. The new guy is someone I've known for quite a while, and have a great deal of respect for. My dad also pointed out that his church excels at developing leaders and giftings. He told me that I have leadership gifts that I'm allowing to lay dormant for reasons he didn't know. He's right.
There are cons - his church is decidely more conservative when it comes to the Holy Spirit and Kingdom Theology - things I've learnt a great deal about in the last three years. His church is also the one I left because I desperately needed to escape the pressures of being the pastor's daughter, and living in the shadow of my family.
I don't know... I guess I just needed to write some of this out on paper. The next while will be about praying for God's guidance in this area of my life, and consulting the wise advisors that He has placed around me.
